Fool I Am

Fool that I am, now I finally know
To think that I could find another you
Fate mocks me
Time reopens the wound so deep
Reality fades away
The memories rejuvenated
The black cloud descends, lusting to quench its thirst
The pain floods me, wrenching apart my soul
Broken and torn, yet you do not care to spare
That tiny breath of life that is left in me
Go away, leave me alone
For though I loved you once, I love you no more
No longer a memory I yearn to relive
But a nightmare I wish to forget
This is meant to be, I know it now
It is time to let go.

~ s.s.k.s.

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I Believe I’ll Find You Again (Nov 1997)

You made my heart skip beats.

You made me smile, made me laugh,

you made me blush just by looking at me,

you made me do stupid things just to get your attention.

You brought meaning and joy into my life.

Just being with you was enough to light up my day.

You were always there when I needed you.

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you now,

when you need me so much.

You always gave me the strength and courage

I needed during those hard times.

I’m sorry I can’t be there with you now

when you need all the strength and courage in the world.

But, I believe I’ll find you again…

You were there for me till the very end –

like my guardian angel God-sent from above –

when I thought I had reached the end of the world.

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you now,

when you have reached the end of your world.

I need to believe that I’ll find you again.

You gave me hope,

you made me believe in myself and in the impossible,

you thought me how to look at things the brighter way.

I’m sorry I can’t do all these things for you.

But, I believe I’ll find you again…

I’m not sorry I ever met you,

I can never thank God enough for letting you into my life.

You thought me so many things,

you made me the strong person I am now,

i just wish it could have lasted longer.

I need to believe that I’ll find you again.

I will miss you dearly,

I will miss you endlessly,

I’ll be lonely without you

but I know the love we shared,

will see me through the hard times that aren’t too far off.

I just wish I could take care of you,

the way you took care of me.

I only wish you didn’t have to go.

It’s too soon.

But, I believe I’ll find you again…

I want to see you again,

to feel your arms around me again,

to feel the shower of your kisses

that I know I will never feel ever again.

I need to believe that I’ll find you again.

~ s.s.k.s.

Silent Plea (Jan 1998)

So many nights, passed in silence

I have yet to shed a single tear

Foolish — what a fool — to think I mustn’t

I am human, you know, if not humane

I do feel, I do ache, like the rest of you

But all I’ve been feeling lately is stoned

Silently screaming, pleading with you

But you, you do not hear me killing me

I wait for the tears to come

But they do not

I wait for the answers to my questions

But I know they will never come

My mind’s all messed up

Are you out there, watching?

Do you know how I feel?

Do I see you standing against that wall, there?

Or is it just me, a figment of my imagination?

A silent plea of help, I wish to be heard

I wish to heal, feeling of healing I do not feel

I know I cannot nor ever will, for no one knows

A burden shared, a burden halved

But who will share, I have not allowed

I miss you all too much — will you come back for me?

Or have I already walked right past you?

I shield myself from all of them

A folly, inevitably

I hurt too much to care

No one knows, I wish someone did

Why won’t the tears come? Why won’t the anger pass?

Why can’t I mend this deceivingly protective,

Thick, brittle shell that now lies broken at my feet?

Why can’t I undo the done? Why can’t I unknow the known?

Why can’t I tell and heal? But who will listen? Will you?

A silent plea, that is all it is

You think a smile is enough a sign

But what lies beneath the face so thick

The pain you cannot feel

The tears you cannot see

The heart you cannot touch

Standing on the edge, looking down

The abyss, dark and inviting, awaits me

I’m getting tired of standing up here, so high, all alone

I will fall soon, either one way or the other

Help me please, before I fall

I beg you, with all that I have

Nothing more, but that single thread of sanity

A silent plea, deny it not.

~ s.s.k.s

I (October 1998)

And I was happy then
Now I wish you would come back to me
I am so sure you are out there, waiting
For me to realize my unforgivable sin
I am here in flesh and blood?
I knew you were gone yesterday, forever
I know you are here in spirit and soul.
I have not yet forgotten the feel of you
And I long to touch you once again
I have been left to wander around aimlessly
Everyday, everynight, and yet not a soul in sight
I hope to find you once again
I have to wait so long – the sooner the better
I think HE does not allow
I have sinned too much – so well
And maybe I do not deserve another chance
I cannot be seen, I cannot be heard, I do not let it be,
I cannot bear to be; I am exposed.
My cries of pain, no one hears
I long to be held, to be loved, to be touched
I know you are there mocking me
I should never have given it up – now I have this.
I wait for you although I know you are of no use to me,
For you lay so still on your bed of soil.
I was promised of fortunes infinite,
Of friends so many, of love so pure,
Of life so full and sacred, an eternity so eternal
I do not see them; I do not see the angels
I do not see the demons – only me
I do not want to roam forever
I want to be reborn; to live life once again.

~ s.s.k.s