D-Day

Today is the Day of Truth
I vowed to be True to Myself
But I have done nought except let Me down
Dare I say No More
Dare I tell you to Fuck Off

Today is the Day I teach you how to treat me
Keep your Lies in your Purse
I will not corrupt my Soul with your Untruths
Your curses are nought but a reflection of You
You Fool me No More

Today is the Day I am Free of you
Your words have an Effect on me No More
I See you, all of you, in a way your Minions do not
They will do your bidding, of that I am Sure
But not me, No More shall I let Me down

Today, I tell you to Fuck Off.

~ s.s.k.s

Love Maze (Nov 2002)

Crouching in every corner, Disillusionment

Craftily weaves its web of Deceit.

Every turn made by the naive optimist

Reveals treachery yet again.

At each turn,

Anticipation pounds through my veins;

My heart swells with faith and desire.

But each time

I collide full force into

The dark wall of Betrayal.

At each turn,

Expectations build themselves high;

The promise of the perfect love.

But each time

I plunge headlong into

The black abyss of Uncertainty.

I see not the coy smile of Disillusionment

My eyes, blinded by Hopelessness

My heart led astray by Lies and False Promises

Love’s Allies fool me yet again.

~ s.s.k.s

Loss (Dec 1998)

I thought you were gone forever,

I had hoped that I had moved on

To a better life, a brighter tomorrow;

Instead, I have allowed myself to be sucked

Deeper into this abyss of loneliness.

It was never meant to be – our love;

No, not that I didn’t love you enough

No, not that you didn’t love me enough

Some things are just not meant to be

Too brittle to survive scorn and jealousy.

There is a reason why farewells were bid

One day we will know why.

I wish I could cry for you, for me

The lost souls and broken hearts

But tears come not, only an emptiness that engulfs.

I wish I could have seen it coming

But then, I never thought I’d lose you

Together forever was how I thought it’ll be

Alas, Fate thought otherwise.

And now, I have learnt that nothing lasts forever.

Every morning I wake up hoping to forget you

Every night I go to sleep hoping to find you again

But in this world of cheats and liars, who knows?

Now I’m left repeating my woes endlessly

To those who do not care.

How do I break free of these bonds of hopelessness?

Dare I hope to find someone as special as you, again ?

Will it be easier to remain closed up to the world

Wrapped tightly in this blanket of ennui?

Or shall I exchange this illusion of security for another?

~ s.s.k.s

Silent Plea (Jan 1998)

So many nights, passed in silence

I have yet to shed a single tear

Foolish — what a fool — to think I mustn’t

I am human, you know, if not humane

I do feel, I do ache, like the rest of you

But all I’ve been feeling lately is stoned

Silently screaming, pleading with you

But you, you do not hear me killing me

I wait for the tears to come

But they do not

I wait for the answers to my questions

But I know they will never come

My mind’s all messed up

Are you out there, watching?

Do you know how I feel?

Do I see you standing against that wall, there?

Or is it just me, a figment of my imagination?

A silent plea of help, I wish to be heard

I wish to heal, feeling of healing I do not feel

I know I cannot nor ever will, for no one knows

A burden shared, a burden halved

But who will share, I have not allowed

I miss you all too much — will you come back for me?

Or have I already walked right past you?

I shield myself from all of them

A folly, inevitably

I hurt too much to care

No one knows, I wish someone did

Why won’t the tears come? Why won’t the anger pass?

Why can’t I mend this deceivingly protective,

Thick, brittle shell that now lies broken at my feet?

Why can’t I undo the done? Why can’t I unknow the known?

Why can’t I tell and heal? But who will listen? Will you?

A silent plea, that is all it is

You think a smile is enough a sign

But what lies beneath the face so thick

The pain you cannot feel

The tears you cannot see

The heart you cannot touch

Standing on the edge, looking down

The abyss, dark and inviting, awaits me

I’m getting tired of standing up here, so high, all alone

I will fall soon, either one way or the other

Help me please, before I fall

I beg you, with all that I have

Nothing more, but that single thread of sanity

A silent plea, deny it not.

~ s.s.k.s

I (October 1998)

And I was happy then
Now I wish you would come back to me
I am so sure you are out there, waiting
For me to realize my unforgivable sin
I am here in flesh and blood?
I knew you were gone yesterday, forever
I know you are here in spirit and soul.
I have not yet forgotten the feel of you
And I long to touch you once again
I have been left to wander around aimlessly
Everyday, everynight, and yet not a soul in sight
I hope to find you once again
I have to wait so long – the sooner the better
I think HE does not allow
I have sinned too much – so well
And maybe I do not deserve another chance
I cannot be seen, I cannot be heard, I do not let it be,
I cannot bear to be; I am exposed.
My cries of pain, no one hears
I long to be held, to be loved, to be touched
I know you are there mocking me
I should never have given it up – now I have this.
I wait for you although I know you are of no use to me,
For you lay so still on your bed of soil.
I was promised of fortunes infinite,
Of friends so many, of love so pure,
Of life so full and sacred, an eternity so eternal
I do not see them; I do not see the angels
I do not see the demons – only me
I do not want to roam forever
I want to be reborn; to live life once again.

~ s.s.k.s

What is Love? (Sep 1997)

To Live – To Love – to hurt.
What worth is it all
If one could live and not hurt,
Love and not hurt,
Live and not love?

How can living, loving and hurting
Be justified as fair?
How can it when to love, to give and take, to share
Is only rewarded with bountiful amounts
Of hurt, pain and torture?
How can this be so if to live is to love and thus to hurt?

Isn’t it said that love can
Bring joy in all that one touches,
That it can open all locked doors,
Disarm all hostility – weapons,
Set free the imprisoned souls of the aloof?
How then can love cause grief in such undue bulk?

If love could precipitate such lashings of hurt,
Why call it love?
For if love was capable of such immense treacheries
It would be despicable to differentiate love and hate.

What is love then,
Being not hate, treachery or disloyalty?
Is love then the hard-hitting rascal,
Which toys with ones feelings
Exalts one to the very realms of ecstasy
Only to smash one down mercilessly to the ground?

What then is the price of love?
To hurt? To suffer in silence? To hate?
Why do we so willingly give ourselves up
For this consummation we call love,
When we are fully aware of the heartaches
That we are inclined to experience?

Is it fair to live then,
If only to suffer the obstacle – love,
To bear the undue bulk of love,
And to suffer the abominable pain of cupid’s arrow?

~ s.s.k.s