Suicidal

Silence seeps into the still
The warm night breeze delays its hum
Dancing leaves suspend themselves
The lapping waves have done their deed
It is now time.

I feel the cold touch of your hand
I know you are here with me now
As you patiently wait, consoling yourself
Urging me on, with such haste
I must now choose.

It gleams under the moonlight
Silvery and beautiful, deceivingly innocent
I see my face, the fear in my eyes
Then I see you, the hope in yours
I must do it now.

I close my eyes, shut you out
I say a prayer, would He hear?
I ask the Lord to forgive me, my sins
I pray for deliverance
I am about to do the unforgivable.

I open my eyes, hear your comforting voice
My wrists are slit, I stare with horror at the red
Blood oozes painfully unto my skirt
Tears roll down my cheeks, my body trembles
I am in disbelief.

I did not do this!
I do not remember!
The knife! The knife!
It is stained! The knife!
I do not remember!
I did not do this!

I hear you snarl
But I know I have won
For when I look down at my wrists
No blood do I see
Only the tears I have wept.

You are gone but I’m still here
I look around, listening
The leaves resume dancing
To the soft humming of the wind
The waves lap in response once again.

I know I am safe now
Although I sit here all alone
In the warm darkness
With nothing but a single rose in my lap
And a coffin before me.

~ s.s.k.s.

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Vampire (Aug 2001)

I am drowning, drowning

In this silence of hearts;

The slit wrists –

A scar forever I will bear,

With it the shame.

True Love is a farce;

Faith? Trust? Lies! Deceit!

Love is the shadow that lurks

Behind the fresh innocents,

Threatening to engulf all.

This silence carries me farther,

Father into the abyss;

I do not see the shore: I do not want to.

I do not feel the ground; I do not wish to.

I cannot breathe; I feel I do not need to.

Those lies you weaved,

Have made me into my worst nightmare.

A death temptation –

The purity, innocence lost

In this world of masks.

~ s.s.k.s

Silent Plea (Jan 1998)

So many nights, passed in silence

I have yet to shed a single tear

Foolish — what a fool — to think I mustn’t

I am human, you know, if not humane

I do feel, I do ache, like the rest of you

But all I’ve been feeling lately is stoned

Silently screaming, pleading with you

But you, you do not hear me killing me

I wait for the tears to come

But they do not

I wait for the answers to my questions

But I know they will never come

My mind’s all messed up

Are you out there, watching?

Do you know how I feel?

Do I see you standing against that wall, there?

Or is it just me, a figment of my imagination?

A silent plea of help, I wish to be heard

I wish to heal, feeling of healing I do not feel

I know I cannot nor ever will, for no one knows

A burden shared, a burden halved

But who will share, I have not allowed

I miss you all too much — will you come back for me?

Or have I already walked right past you?

I shield myself from all of them

A folly, inevitably

I hurt too much to care

No one knows, I wish someone did

Why won’t the tears come? Why won’t the anger pass?

Why can’t I mend this deceivingly protective,

Thick, brittle shell that now lies broken at my feet?

Why can’t I undo the done? Why can’t I unknow the known?

Why can’t I tell and heal? But who will listen? Will you?

A silent plea, that is all it is

You think a smile is enough a sign

But what lies beneath the face so thick

The pain you cannot feel

The tears you cannot see

The heart you cannot touch

Standing on the edge, looking down

The abyss, dark and inviting, awaits me

I’m getting tired of standing up here, so high, all alone

I will fall soon, either one way or the other

Help me please, before I fall

I beg you, with all that I have

Nothing more, but that single thread of sanity

A silent plea, deny it not.

~ s.s.k.s

I (October 1998)

And I was happy then
Now I wish you would come back to me
I am so sure you are out there, waiting
For me to realize my unforgivable sin
I am here in flesh and blood?
I knew you were gone yesterday, forever
I know you are here in spirit and soul.
I have not yet forgotten the feel of you
And I long to touch you once again
I have been left to wander around aimlessly
Everyday, everynight, and yet not a soul in sight
I hope to find you once again
I have to wait so long – the sooner the better
I think HE does not allow
I have sinned too much – so well
And maybe I do not deserve another chance
I cannot be seen, I cannot be heard, I do not let it be,
I cannot bear to be; I am exposed.
My cries of pain, no one hears
I long to be held, to be loved, to be touched
I know you are there mocking me
I should never have given it up – now I have this.
I wait for you although I know you are of no use to me,
For you lay so still on your bed of soil.
I was promised of fortunes infinite,
Of friends so many, of love so pure,
Of life so full and sacred, an eternity so eternal
I do not see them; I do not see the angels
I do not see the demons – only me
I do not want to roam forever
I want to be reborn; to live life once again.

~ s.s.k.s

Alone (Apr 1998)

Reality hits me smack in the face
From my mother’s womb to the earth’s
From the start till the very end
From destination to destination
There shall be no one else but me
Alone

I have to strive and to conquer
To try but to fail
To pick up the broken pieces
Of the bleeding heart
To calm and console
The wretched crying soul
To find and then tame
The wild and lost mind
Alone

For though we may claim to understand
We are different in ways infinite
If not even I can understand me
How can you?
After all, you are just like me
In thought and in action, in life and in death
In work and in play, in love and in hate
No one will ever understand me
No one has yet to understand them

Is it all too much to ask for
Someone with whom I can empathise?
Worldly fortunes would I give up
Life itself would I sacrifice
Death would I ever so willingly invite
If there could be that one who understands
If I never again have to be
Alone

~ s.s.k.s