Silent Plea (Jan 1998)

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So many nights, passed in silence
I have yet to shed a single tear
Foolish — what a fool — to think I mustn’t
I am human, you know, if not humane
I do feel, I do ache, like the rest of you
But all I’ve been feeling lately is stoned
Silently screaming, pleading with you
But you, you do not hear me killing me
I wait for the tears to come
But they do not
I wait for the answers to my questions
But I know they will never come
My mind’s all messed up
Are you out there, watching?
Do you know how I feel?
Do I see you standing against that wall, there?
Or is it just me, a figment of my imagination?
A silent plea of help, I wish to be heard
I wish to heal, feeling of healing I do not feel
I know I cannot nor ever will, for no one knows
A burden shared, a burden halved
But who will share, I have not allowed
I miss you all too much — will you come back for me?
Or have I already walked right past you?
I shield myself from all of them
A folly, inevitably
I hurt too much to care
No one knows, I wish someone did
Why won’t the tears come? Why won’t the anger pass?
Why can’t I mend this deceivingly protective,
Thick, brittle shell that now lies broken at my feet?
Why can’t I undo the done? Why can’t I unknow the known?
Why can’t I tell and heal? But who will listen? Will you?
A silent plea, that is all it is
You think a smile is enough a sign
But what lies beneath the face so thick
The pain you cannot feel
The tears you cannot see
The heart you cannot touch
Standing on the edge, looking down
The abyss, dark and inviting, awaits me
I’m getting tired of standing up here, so high, all alone
I will fall soon, either one way or the other
Help me please, before I fall
I beg you, with all that I have
Nothing more, but that single thread of sanity
A silent plea, deny it not.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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