Month: February 2015

Fool I Am

Fool that I am, now I finally know
To think that I could find another you
Fate mocks me
Time reopens the wound so deep
Reality fades away
The memories rejuvenated
The black cloud descends, lusting to quench its thirst
The pain floods me, wrenching apart my soul
Broken and torn, yet you do not care to spare
That tiny breath of life that is left in me
Go away, leave me alone
For though I loved you once, I love you no more
No longer a memory I yearn to relive
But a nightmare I wish to forget
This is meant to be, I know it now
It is time to let go.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

Suicidal

Silence seeps into the still
The warm night breeze delays its hum
Dancing leaves suspend themselves
The lapping waves have done their deed
It is now time.

I feel the cold touch of your hand
I know you are here with me now
As you patiently wait, consoling yourself
Urging me on, with such haste
I must now choose.

It gleams under the moonlight
Silvery and beautiful, deceivingly innocent
I see my face, the fear in my eyes
Then I see you, the hope in yours
I must do it now.

I close my eyes, shut you out
I say a prayer, would He hear?
I ask the Lord to forgive me, my sins
I pray for deliverance
I am about to do the unforgivable.

I open my eyes, hear your comforting voice
My wrists are slit, I stare with horror at the red
Blood oozes painfully unto my skirt
Tears roll down my cheeks, my body trembles
I am in disbelief.

I did not do this!
I do not remember!
The knife! The knife!
It is stained! The knife!
I do not remember!
I did not do this!

I hear you snarl
But I know I have won
For when I look down at my wrists
No blood do I see
Only the tears I have wept.

You are gone but I’m still here
I look around, listening
The leaves resume dancing
To the soft humming of the wind
The waves lap in response once again.

I know I am safe now
Although I sit here all alone
In the warm darkness
With nothing but a single rose in my lap
And a coffin before me.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

Hey Stranger

My Celestial Paradise,
A stranger I call my own,
Breathes the promise of life into the recesses of my mind,

My Secret Desires,
Like cool water dripped unto parched lips,
Quench the deepest trenches of the diamond in the rough,

My Sacred Soul,
In quiet restfulness amidst the stir of emotions,
Rejoices with the knowledge of that which is reawakened,

My Unrelenting Devotion,
Pronounced upon the pedestal of self-sacrifice,
Embodies the precious and infinite riches of generations past.

My Careless Obsession,
A stranger I call my own,
Etched into the deep crevices of the profound compass,

My Cautious Heart,
That resounds with the echoes of hymns of gratitude,
Harmonises the wistful sighs of that which is mine,

My Newfound Love,
A fresh and unexpected blossom in a garden of old,
Pounds rhythmically through my veins and stokes the forgotten fires,

My Forbidden Desire,
Springs forth into existence with ripe and unexplored passion,
Fulfilled by the solitude and peace that your presence brings.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Farewell

If we never meet again,
If today is indeed farewell,
Know that you have touched
My life in a special way.
Every once in a while, we need someone
To free us from self-imposed imprisonment.
Thank you, dear friend, for you have touched
That cord and roused me from sleep.
If today is indeed farewell,
Be safe then, dear friend.
And may the waves deliver you
Unto the shores of your desires.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

Friendship (Feb 2001)

Memories of you and me
Reflecting on the waters of my mind,
These pure, white snowflakes
Spread such warmth through me.
The fun and laughter of days passed
The beauty of our youth, now in it’s prime
These will never return
But you will always be here.
In my heart, as I live
In the warmth of my pure landscape
Of memories of us.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

Forever Forgotten (Mar 1998)

Our Yesterday
Gone
Forever.

Our Love
In my heart always
Never forgotten.

Tomorrow
I’ll lose you
Forever.

Tomorrow
You’ll be gone
But never forgotten.

Today I cried
Vowed to love only you
Forever.

Tomorrow I know this vow
Will be lost
But never forgotten.

I love you now
Always
Forever.

My love will stay
Always
Never forgotten.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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I Believe I’ll Find You Again (Nov 1997)

You made my heart skip beats.
You made me smile, made me laugh,
You made me blush just by looking at me,
You made me do stupid things just to get your attention.
You brought meaning and joy into my life.
Just being with you was enough to light up my day.

You were always there when I needed you.
I’m sorry I can’t be there for you now,
When you need me so much.
You always gave me the strength and courage
I needed during those hard times.
I’m sorry I can’t be there with you now
When you need all the strength and courage in the world.
But, I believe I’ll find you again…

You were there for me till the very end –
Like my guardian angel God-sent from above –
When I thought I had reached the end of the world.
I’m sorry I can’t be there for you now,
When you have reached the end of your world.
I need to believe that I’ll find you again.

You gave me hope,
You made me believe in myself and in the impossible,
You thought me how to look at things the brighter way.
I’m sorry I can’t do all these things for you.
But, I believe I’ll find you again…

I’m not sorry I ever met you,
I can never thank God enough for letting you into my life.
You thought me so many things,
You made me the strong person I am now,
I just wish it could have lasted longer.
I need to believe that I’ll find you again.

I will miss you dearly,
I will miss you endlessly,
I’ll be lonely without you
But I know the love we shared,
Will see me through the hard times that aren’t too far off.
I just wish I could take care of you,
The way you took care of me.
I only wish you didn’t have to go.
It’s too soon.
But, I believe I’ll find you again…

I want to see you again,
To feel your arms around me again,
To feel the shower of your kisses
That I know I will never feel ever again.
I need to believe that I’ll find you again.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

The Preserver (Feb 2001)

Over Time we have no hold, who
Winding down the soundless clocks,
Sets the momentum of our Life.
Over us Time has no hold;
For we who dance to his beats,
Will one day transcend into Eternity.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Sweet Dreams (Jan 2002)

The wheels of Time churn endlessly,
My mind oscillates between then & now,
Blurring the edges of reality:
Sanity, threatened by fireballs of pain,
I lie awake & pray… Are you there?

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Love Maze (Nov 2002)

Crouching in every corner, Disillusionment
Craftily weaves its web of Deceit.
Every turn made by the naive optimist
Reveals treachery yet again.

At each turn,
Anticipation pounds through my veins;
My heart swells with faith and desire.
But each time
I collide full force into
The dark wall of Betrayal.

At each turn,
Expectations build themselves high;
The promise of the perfect love.
But each time
I plunge headlong into
The black abyss of Uncertainty.

I see not the coy smile of Disillusionment
My eyes, blinded by Hopelessness
My heart led astray by Lies and False Promises
Love’s Allies fool me yet again.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Vampire (Aug 2001)

I am drowning, drowning
In this silence of hearts;
The slit wrists –
A scar forever I will bear,
With it the shame.
True Love is a farce;
Faith? Trust? Lies! Deceit!
Love is the shadow that lurks
Behind the fresh innocents,
Threatening to engulf all.
This silence carries me farther,
Father into the abyss;
I do not see the shore: I do not want to.
I do not feel the ground; I do not wish to.
I cannot breathe; I feel I do not need to.
Those lies you weaved,
Have made me into my worst nightmare.
A death temptation –
The purity, innocence lost
In this world of masks.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Loss (Dec 1998)

I thought you were gone forever,
I had hoped that I had moved on
To a better life, a brighter tomorrow;
Instead, I have allowed myself to be sucked
Deeper into this abyss of loneliness.
It was never meant to be – our love;
No, not that I didn’t love you enough
No, not that you didn’t love me enough
Some things are just not meant to be
Too brittle to survive scorn and jealousy.
There is a reason why farewells were bid
One day we will know why.
I wish I could cry for you, for me
The lost souls and broken hearts
But tears come not, only an emptiness that engulfs.
I wish I could have seen it coming
But then, I never thought I’d lose you
Together forever was how I thought it’ll be
Alas, Fate thought otherwise.
And now, I have learnt that nothing lasts forever.
Every morning I wake up hoping to forget you
Every night I go to sleep hoping to find you again
But in this world of cheats and liars, who knows?
Now I’m left repeating my woes endlessly
To those who do not care.
How do I break free of these bonds of hopelessness?
Dare I hope to find someone as special as you, again ?
Will it be easier to remain closed up to the world
Wrapped tightly in this blanket of ennui?
Or shall I exchange this illusion of security for another?

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Silent Plea (Jan 1998)

So many nights, passed in silence
I have yet to shed a single tear
Foolish — what a fool — to think I mustn’t
I am human, you know, if not humane
I do feel, I do ache, like the rest of you
But all I’ve been feeling lately is stoned
Silently screaming, pleading with you
But you, you do not hear me killing me
I wait for the tears to come
But they do not
I wait for the answers to my questions
But I know they will never come
My mind’s all messed up
Are you out there, watching?
Do you know how I feel?
Do I see you standing against that wall, there?
Or is it just me, a figment of my imagination?
A silent plea of help, I wish to be heard
I wish to heal, feeling of healing I do not feel
I know I cannot nor ever will, for no one knows
A burden shared, a burden halved
But who will share, I have not allowed
I miss you all too much — will you come back for me?
Or have I already walked right past you?
I shield myself from all of them
A folly, inevitably
I hurt too much to care
No one knows, I wish someone did
Why won’t the tears come? Why won’t the anger pass?
Why can’t I mend this deceivingly protective,
Thick, brittle shell that now lies broken at my feet?
Why can’t I undo the done? Why can’t I unknow the known?
Why can’t I tell and heal? But who will listen? Will you?
A silent plea, that is all it is
You think a smile is enough a sign
But what lies beneath the face so thick
The pain you cannot feel
The tears you cannot see
The heart you cannot touch
Standing on the edge, looking down
The abyss, dark and inviting, awaits me
I’m getting tired of standing up here, so high, all alone
I will fall soon, either one way or the other
Help me please, before I fall
I beg you, with all that I have
Nothing more, but that single thread of sanity
A silent plea, deny it not.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

I (Oct 1998)

And I was happy then
Now I wish you would come back to me
I am so sure you are out there, waiting
For me to realize my unforgivable sin
I am here in flesh and blood?
I knew you were gone yesterday, forever
I know you are here in spirit and soul.
I have not yet forgotten the feel of you
And I long to touch you once again
I have been left to wander around aimlessly
Everyday, everynight, and yet not a soul in sight
I hope to find you once again
I have to wait so long – the sooner the better
I think HE does not allow
I have sinned too much – so well
And maybe I do not deserve another chance
I cannot be seen, I cannot be heard, I do not let it be,
I cannot bear to be; I am exposed.
My cries of pain, no one hears
I long to be held, to be loved, to be touched
I know you are there mocking me
I should never have given it up – now I have this.
I wait for you although I know you are of no use to me,
For you lay so still on your bed of soil.
I was promised of fortunes infinite,
Of friends so many, of love so pure,
Of life so full and sacred, an eternity so eternal
I do not see them; I do not see the angels
I do not see the demons – only me
I do not want to roam forever
I want to be reborn; to live life once again.

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

What is Love? (Sep 1997)

To Live – To Love – to hurt.
What worth is it all
If one could live and not hurt,
Love and not hurt,
Live and not love?

How can living, loving and hurting
Be justified as fair?
How can it when to love, to give and take, to share
Is only rewarded with bountiful amounts
Of hurt, pain and torture?
How can this be so if to live is to love and thus to hurt?

Isn’t it said that love can
Bring joy in all that one touches,
That it can open all locked doors,
Disarm all hostility – weapons,
Set free the imprisoned souls of the aloof?
How then can love cause grief in such undue bulk?

If love could precipitate such lashings of hurt,
Why call it love?
For if love was capable of such immense treacheries
It would be despicable to differentiate love and hate.

What is love then,
Being not hate, treachery or disloyalty?
Is love then the hard-hitting rascal,
Which toys with ones feelings
Exalts one to the very realms of ecstasy
Only to smash one down mercilessly to the ground?

What then is the price of love?
To hurt? To suffer in silence? To hate?
Why do we so willingly give ourselves up
For this consummation we call love,
When we are fully aware of the heartaches
That we are inclined to experience?

Is it fair to live then,
If only to suffer the obstacle – love,
To bear the undue bulk of love,
And to suffer the abominable pain of cupid’s arrow?

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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Beginnings

It is always most difficult to start. I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. I used to have a website but then it became outdated and I told myself that I would get a blog soon. But I never did. Didn’t have the time. Too much work. Got married. Had a kid. Had other priorities. But now it is time to change all of that. I am back at square one but it’s ok because it’s time for a new beginning and because…I can. I’ll start with publishing some poetry I wrote some time ago. About love mostly. But also about life. And then I’ll take it from there. See where it leads… more poetry… short stories… perhaps even a novel…

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu

My journey begins here…

~ s.s.k.s

Alone (Apr 1998)

Reality hits me smack in the face
From my mother’s womb to the earth’s
From the start till the very end
From destination to destination
There shall be no one else but me
Alone

I have to strive and to conquer
To try but to fail
To pick up the broken pieces
Of the bleeding heart
To calm and console
The wretched crying soul
To find and then tame
The wild and lost mind
Alone

For though we may claim to understand
We are different in ways infinite
If not even I can understand me
How can you?
After all, you are just like me
In thought and in action, in life and in death
In work and in play, in love and in hate
No one will ever understand me
No one has yet to understand them

Is it all too much to ask for
Someone with whom I can empathise?
Worldly fortunes would I give up
Life itself would I sacrifice
Death would I ever so willingly invite
If there could be that one who understands
If I never again have to be
Alone

© Sharon Kaur-Schuelke

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